Dear ,

One of the modules in my training in Family Constellations is about trauma. And while I was pondering on the present situation, I was thinking of the definition of trauma and it struck me, how much this is what humankind was and still is undergoing in 2020.

May this newsletter raise awareness, of how much we are all affected in a traumatizing way by the current situation, and understanding how this situation creates separation, alienation and aggression between us. Only when we are aware of this process, we can counteract and unite again in supporting each other instead of fighting against each other.

According to Fischer and Riedesser, 1999 in their manual of psycho-traumatology, trauma is:

“... the critical experience of the discrepancy between threatening factors in a situation and the individual’s ability to cope, accompanied by feelings of helplessness and of being at the mercy of people and events, which then cause a permanent shock to the perception of self and of the world”.

Isn’t this exactly what we (and all of our fellow sisters and brothers) are living at the moment?

Something threatening is out there - a virus. Some of us have personally experienced its impact through the loss of a loved one, through their work as a nurse or a doctor, through their own illness or similar. Others have heard about it from people who personally experienced its existence and again others know about it only from what media and the public are spreading.

Fact is that public media, our governments and other people in power create a picture of a life-threatening monster that is waiting out there to kill all of us or at least our loved ones. And they tell us that we are not able to handle this situation, that we have to obey to what they say and if we don’t, we will be guilty for everything that happens.

We are at their mercy, like immature children who have to be guided to “what is best for them”. We are deprived our liberty to meet, to hug, to kiss, to get together for healing, to feel the closeness of our friends – basically everything that makes us human, as humans live through connection, physical connection. Yes, we can cope for a certain time with virtual devices – but not for long.

At the beginning, we thought it would soon be over, but in the meantime things have changed. And although we try not to think of it, no one knows how long this situation might go on. They tell us that “we have to live with it” and they talk about “a new normal”.

Going back to the definition of trauma, it becomes clear that we – as individuals – are no longer able to cope with this situation, we feel more and more helpless and at the mercy of the authorities. Our perception of Self and the world around us has changed, and – if we are aware of it or not – we live in a permanent situation of shock.

The world around us all of a sudden is no longer experienced as safe and secure, but has become life-threatening. And as in all traumatic situations, we develop/have developed, life-saving survival strategies. The experience of trauma has a lasting effect upon body, mind and soul.

In this situation it is important to remember that the human individual usually has 3 mechanisms to react to a threatening situation, to a trauma.

- If we are strong enough we FIGHT. This is what a big part of us are doing in this moment. They fight authorities, they ask questions and want answers, they investigate and they demonstrate. They refuse to take orders and they stand in for human and democratic rights.

- If we have no chance or strength to fight we choose to run away, we choose FLIGHT. As this is a worldwide situation, there are not many possibilities to escape somewhere.

- If neither of these two is possible because the situation is too overwhelming there is only one thing left and this is FREEZING. This is what another big part of us is undergoing in this moment, accepting everything that they are ordered to do.

Trauma research shows that, when a child (and in our souls we are all still children, no matter how old we are) lives in a slowly increasing traumatizing situation (as we all are since March 2020) the moment of (first) shock changes to an ongoing bewilderment and speechlessness, with the child connecting to the people it is existentially depending on (in the case of the child these are the parents, but in our case, these are parental figures like authorities, governments etc.)

From trauma research we also know that traumatization starts already, when feelings of guilt are implemented in daily life, or when there are small punishments or a withdrawal of affection. Also this is what is happening in this moment in time. We get messages like: “If you don’t behave as we say you are guilty, you are not worth belonging to us any more, you will be punished. If you meet with the people you love you will be guilty if something happens etc.”.

The crazy thing is, that we also know that children love their torturers they depend on, as they don’t have the chance to run away or fight. They immediately learn that it is not good for them to show their boundaries, because they then have to bear the consequences. Also this we can observe in our society more and more, since a couple of months. We adopt the opinions of parental figures and authorities, we stop questioning, we are afraid of “doing wrong” and becoming guilty, and thus we start judging and condemning our fellow sisters and brothers who have chosen a different path.

Both of us – the ones in the FIGHT mode and the ones in the FREEZE mode (and believe me, at the moment there are very little others left) stop trying to understand the others and start going against each other.

Every day we are bombarded with messages like: “All this is for your safety and your health and to avoid increasing number of deaths. All this is for the common good. And you are all responsible!”

How would the situation be different if we started a dialogue? If we understood that we ALL are traumatized from what is going on at the moment? If we stopped blindly fighting or blindly believing in authorities, but rather got together in finding answers to fundamental questions regarding responsibility?

No one will help us to overcome or heal this trauma – if we don’t take responsibility. The only way out is to connect with compassion.

Talk to each other about your fears, your concerns – in an open way. Listen to each other and stop judging, only because you think differently. Don’t allow anyone to create separation and disconnection – this increases trauma instead of healing. Don’t allow fear or manipulation to hinder you from seeking the truth – always.

We can heal this trauma only together – not through obedience and judgement - but through honest connection and through what makes us really human: through LOVE.

Sending you my best wishes for experiencing a November in the spirit of love and reconciliation

Ursula

MALTA

Our practical training module in Gozo was amazing and my students facilitated the constellations in a very beautiful and respectful way. I am so proud of all of them.

We had 8 constellations during the training and we all were touched by the depth and beauty of the work and full of gratitude for this opportunity despite of the actual situation.

The next training will most probably start in spring 2021. If you are interested in joining or want to know more about it, please get in touch through THIS FORM

1to1 Constellations Online

If you wish to work in a 1to1 setting with me on any question you might have, I am happy to support you.

The sessions last 2 hours and if you want to know more, please get in touch. I am happy to answer all the questions you might have.

You can also book a session online here: BOOKING 1to1 session online

Constellation Workshops Online

Online constellation workshops are a wonderful alternative in times that do not allow us to meet in a physical space.

Beginning of December there will most probably be the next online workshop. If you want to do your constellation online in a group or have questions in regard, please get in touch with me as soon as possible.

Please find herewith a contact form where you can express your interest in one of the above alternatives and get in touch if you have further question you would like to clarify.

For any questions or requests you can get in touch of course also via email u.bell@ursulamariabell.com

Whatever form you might choose, I am happy to support you and to be part of your life journey.

Ursula 💖